Texts Between My Son and Myself (by J)
During the San Francisco Bay Area Sex Worker Film and Art Festival a contributor to the Red Umbrella Babies Anthology performed one of her works based on texts she has received from her son. Listen to a live recording of her performance and/or read her piece below.
Me: You are your daddy. Go fuck yourself.
Him: Excuse me? Can I know why you have this to say to me?
Me: You were supposed to come see me Wednesday before I left asshole. I waited all fucking day and night.
Him: And I'm sorry. I had a counseling appointment and I had to work. When do you come back? I'm sorry. I really am. I hope you had a safe trip.
Me: You won't care until I'm dead, then you'll regret letting your asshole father brainwash you the way he did. I'm tired of chasing people who could give a shit about me. I'm done with you. You damn sure had time for your fucking girlfriend. Her birthday. I saw your fucking posts on Instagram. I'm sure you made it to your mother C's for her and M's birthday. You need a mother? Keep C. I see the fucking influence she has on you. So fuck off again. Leave me alone.
Him: Her birthday was the day after. Stop being so bitter. And I didn't, I stayed home. Don't make assumptions. If you have questions, just ask. LOL. Whatever. You love that I keep bothering her. You can talk to Q and not to me? I was at least there for you once before. I know you better than she does and you give her more attention. That's not cool.
Me: No I don't. The sad part is I feel nothing any more for you. I have no desire to have you in my life because I do not recognize you. My child died. I don't know who the fuck you are, but you're not mine any more. A's still a baby and a female. You have betrayed me and turned on me so many times. My heart is dead for you.
Him: Whoa, if anyone has betrayed anyone, it's you betrayed me. And I still go out of my way to show you love. She's not a baby and so what if she's a female? If anything you should feel less inclined to talk to her considering that she's daddy's girl.
Me: I'm not all that into chasing A either. I know she's only talking to me because she wants a new phone. You've been an adult for two years, I've always had my door open and communication lines open and you shit on me. You're a fucking daddy's boy and I never betrayed you. I've always been here if you wanted. You never wanted. Your girlfriend, C and your friends, always come first. Your fucking nana that condoned your father beating on me. And honestly knowing that you believed that I deserved to be beat by him was the last fucking straw for me! I have nothing left in me for you. I am not letting you hurt me worse than him. Worse than your daddy ever did. It's not happening. I sacrificed my soul for you. And you shit on me. I am so done. I have no time for you, honestly, because every one is more important to you, over your own brother too.
Him: What's even crazier is that regardless of everything between you and me, I still have that connection to you. I can talk to you like I've been around you my whole life. And I'm so comfortable around you. You're important to me but hanging out with you, being around you, it's like you just wanted to use me for my resources and get us into uncomfortable situations.
Me: Those are all your problems. I'm not a part of your life. I'm in a workshop. Goodbye.
Him: Whatever. You said some really hurtful things but I put that behind me. You should too. You know how I am, you know I may say things out of anger, but I'm working on myself because you're right. I do see a lot of similarities between my father and I, between you and I and they're not good. I'm trying everything I can to become a better person. I just want to be at peace with you and everyone else that I love. Okay, well I gotta go to work, so I'll text you and call you later when I get out.
Him: I love you.
Him: Good morning.
Him: How was your workshop?
Me: You were the topic. When my turn came since instead of writing for the five minutes, I was texting. So I had to read what I was doing. And texting you was it.
Him: LOL how sweet. I hope you had nothing but good things to say. Wishful thinking.
Thank you to SWOP USA for generously supporting our travel to the San Francisco Bay Area Sex Worker Film and Art Festival.